Because I Needed It

Thursday morning had perfect fake-fall weather for a late September day.  The air was unusually crisp; I went back inside to grab a sweater before leaving for the office.

On the drive, my mind wandered into a memory of a day that felt like this.   It was mid-September, 2023.   Alby had been homebound on hospice for at least six weeks.   But it was still July in the heart of Atlanta heat when I took him to the Emergency Room, and a terminal diagnosis changed our lives forever.

Crissy was at the house, and I could go to the grocery store that day.   The day felt so strange.  I had not seen summer end and fall begin.  My world had stopped, and all my attention was on my husband; how could the seasons keep changing?

In the grocery store, everything was decked out in Autumn and Halloween décor. It felt like everything was out of alignment, as if I’d been in a sensory deprivation tank and stepped out into a new reality.

In the middle of all the seasonal décor stood a 56” scarecrow balloon girl, with big yellow sunflowers and a raven on her head.   It was the most absurd thing I’d ever seen, and I knew I had to have it.   At my 5’4”, it was almost as tall as me!  But I was bringing this massive cheerful balloon home.

I got to the checkout with my bulky scarecrow and a few items. I asked the cashier how much it cost.   She told me it was for display only.  I looked around, saw another one, and flipped that balloon upside down.  Yep, it had a tag: $14.99, and I confirmed, “Yes, I’m buying it.”

God only knows why I needed that crazy ass scarecrow, but in the moment, it was non-negotiable. Maybe her smile could hide my tears.  Maybe I wanted my Alby to experience the change of season.

But the huge balloon took up residence in our living room. Possibly one of the most ridiculous yet necessary decisions of my life. I only know that I needed it.

After Alby passed a couple of weeks later, time still didn't make sense. My world had stopped. Somehow the earth had not.  I was just trying to keep up.

The best advice I got was to keep breathing.  Everything else could wait.

So, I allowed myself grace not to be ok.  To be the woman who stood in line, staring out the window with tears streaming down my face while waiting to pick up my coffee order.  

Eventually, the seasons made sense again.

The following fall, Crissy and I started seeing those scarecrow balloons again. It was surprisingly creepy. I didn't need another one.

Her work was done.